This battle of continually letting go is a true hero’s journey, which will pass right over the weak or faint of heart, searching out only warriors that have given their life for the cause. In this case, my cause is freedom.
From the voices in my head telling me things in my life circumstances I find myself in should be different, that i am unworthy, that I might as well give up and die to this idea of total personal redemption and emancipation because it’s just too damn hard.
One thing I am learning is this: it often takes years-even decades-on the battlefield.
Bloodied with exhaustion attempting to slay my opponent all but kills my body and spirit, a torture chamber at times, keeping me barely alive, leading me to the brink of death but will not grant me the gift of crossing over as it’s not the appointed time…and at times this gift of death in so many circumstances sound like music to my ears! I feel I cannot stand under the weight of this life armor, too heavy to bear on this weary frame.
All I can do is keep showing up.
Oddly, this is a magical place to reside if I let it.
This space between surrender, victory and the glory.
Of all three, surrendering is the hardest, for the glory awaiting is unseen. It’s a blind, bold move, based on faith that the net will be there to catch, when all I see is pointed swords and thorns upon which to land.
The guarantee is lacking, the darkness and nagging insecurities abound in this process, rushing at me like a river, attempting to sweep away my mind.
Oh to TRULY let go!
beautiful.
wrestling.
clenched fist.
death grip.
slowing.
breathing.
unraveling.
choking.
coughing.
sputtering.
chest heaving.
tears flowing.
silencing.
surrender.
fingers unclenching.
sunlight.
new dawning.
understanding.
floating.
changed forever.
leaving this field.
all is well.